Aversion.

(A possible exception to my “no rant” policy.)

I have an aversion to bad apples. Life is too short to waste time on a mealy, pithy apple. And even though I hate wasting food, I will not hesitate to chuck a bad apple into the trashcan or out the car window after enough bites to ensure I have given it a fair shake. (The answer to the question you might be asking is: “One bite. Maybe two.”) Consequently, Rob and I shop for apples with the care and attention to detail one might expect from a customs official under an elevated threat level.

I also have an aversion to conflict and highly prefer it when we “all just get along.” There are lovely people in my life who thoroughly enjoy a hearty debate, who thrive on discussing opposing views, even when it gets heated. I am not wired that way. I can “spin” this to mean that I’m just really good at living out Paul’s charge in Romans 12:18: “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” And I wouldn’t be wrong – that is something that is true about me. But, for most of my adult life, it has also been true that I have wished that the prospect of conflict didn’t result in a particularly frustrating form of paralysis. Even the thought of a conflict makes it difficult to speak the helpful, well-thought-out words that would be so easy for me to type. Any words that I do manage to squeak out have a pinched tone that miscommunicates a stronger-than-intended emotion. It’s not great. It’s often embarrassing. Consequently, I sometimes choose to stay silent, even when I have something to contribute to the conversation.

There is value in being mindful of the feelings of others; of choosing words wisely to avoid saying things I would regret. Gentleness and kindness are important. But I am also aware that sometimes, “not speaking” can result in regretting the things that went unsaid.

In spite of my aversion to (and ability to proactively minimize) conflict, I want to find a version of myself who will not shy away from necessary difficult conversations solely for the sake of avoiding being uncomfortable – a version of myself who pushes through the resistance and uses her voice, even when it’s shaky, squeaky and emotional.

As I read the Bible and spend time with God in prayer, I am seeing that the peace Jesus brings is not foremost peace with other people. The peace that passes understanding is attainable, even when circumstances and people around me are not peaceful… even when important debates are in order.

Operating from a place of peace frees me up to trust God to provide the path I should take, the words I should speak (or not), even while fighting for what is right. I trust God for comfort rather than a circumstance or outcome as my source of “being okay.” It is a healthy place to be – not so I can ignore the awfulness around me, but because I will never be able to control my circumstances – or other people. This inner peace is possible because of my relationship with Jesus. Having this peace doesn’t mean that I don’t care about all that is wrong in the world. In fact, quite the opposite is true. There are people who will disagree with me on this, and that’s okay. Because I am convinced that this peace can help me enter the conversation and work toward real progress.

Let’s be honest – pointing fingers and passing judgment on one another is not getting us anywhere.

It’s been impossible not to notice that many people are posting and reposting things that seem to be working against the peace process, and claiming/prescribing the meaning or motive behind a person’s choice to speak or to process carefully before speaking – “you don’t have the right to…” “what you said means you…” “not saying something means you are…”

As a noticer and observer of people, I am fairly adept at “getting” where someone is coming from. I used to believe that I truly knew exactly why people were behaving the way they were. Then I met an actual expert in “all things people” who said something that has impacted me greatly: “When you have decided you know what a person’s motives are, you have overstepped a human boundary.” Wow. It stung a bit at the time, but I have come to understand it is true.

Since the pandemic hit a year ago, we humans have had even more opportunities than usual to extend grace and understanding to one another. But we are not making the most of these opportunities. Even those of us who follow Jesus. I have witnessed harsh judgments against all sorts of people with all sorts of opinions. I have even seen people gloating and celebrating as people with whom they disagree suffered illness and tragedy. While I understand and experience righteous anger, I know that Jesus tells me to pray for my enemies. All people are Image bearers, not just the ones who are easy to like. So, if I am really living like Jesus, I’m going to have to trust his grace to be sufficient to help me navigate these difficult times and difficult people.

I recently recalled a “mantra” of sorts that was the theme at a student council convention I went to in high school. (Yes, student council – also marching band. These factoids won’t surprise anyone who knows me.) It was so many years ago, but the wisdom is timeless and hopeful, and I’d love to bring it back and have buttons made to hand out to friends and strangers alike, as I did in 1984. (Told you it was a long time ago.)

Are you ready? I hope you’re ready, because this is really good. Here it is:

I believe in you. I want you to believe in me. I love you.

It resonated with me then, but I appreciate it even more now. Believing the best about one another, even when our behavior is not the best has been essential to our healthy marriage and in our family life. Adopting and practicing this will improve any relationship. It’s just a good way to live. (Go ahead. I dare you.)

When working with couples preparing for (or wanting to improve) their marriage, Rob and I make certain to encourage them to think of themselves as being on ‘the same team.” Even during conflict, it’s important to find ways to work together to solve problems. Seeing my husband as my teammate with the same overall goal (protecting our marriage, raising our children, handling the financial crisis of the day, even deciding what to do on a weekend) has been key. The tricky spot is that our differing perspectives, attitudes, and desires can sometimes cause us to feel like we are adversaries – that someone needs to be “right” that someone needs to “win.”

Certainly, this has been “a thing” since the beginning of people and relationships, but it sure seems to have gotten worse lately. One could argue that the love we have for sports reinforces the idea that there must always be a winner and, therefore, a loser. I’m sure that the algorithms of social media and internet searches that constantly feed us more and more of what we “like” also bear a good amount of the blame.

Whew, for someone with an aversion to conflict, I seem to be fired up.

What if we set our minds to being on the same team – the team of people who want for all people to live in the best possible way. The team who works together to find solutions so that everyone gets to play and everyone feels valued and welcome. Sure, there will be always be outliers, but the rest of us are pretty great.

Let’s stop pointing fingers and instead put our energies into seeking answers together. I believe in us – surely we can do it. Somehow, we’ve survived this long. Yes, we have a long way to go. All of us. We’ll have to start believing the best about each other – and we will have plenty of opportunities to offer grace, mercy, forgiveness, love – all of these – over and over.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.
Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Colossians 3:13

Life is too short to waste time being divided when we could work on solutions together. Let’s chuck divisiveness out the car window like a pithy apple.

I believe in you. I want you to believe in me. I love you.